Sorry, Not Sorry: The Art of Email Writing
Why do we, as young women, spend so much time agonizing over the words we use in our emails when on average a man would’ve already hit send? Sometimes it’ll take me fifteen minutes to draft a mere three sentences to a client. These issues are even more amplified based on our intersectional identities. As a racialized woman, I often self-censor my writing and am hyper-aware of how my tone could end up being misinterpreted. What I’ll then do is send the email to my business partner, Hayley, first for review, and we’ll both ponder on whether we sound confident or “professional” enough. As young business owners and young women, sometimes it’s a really hard space to navigate. Are we communicating in a way that validates our expertise and authority?
Every few months I see an article or tweet about how women and femmes minimize themselves by using words like “sorry,” “just,” and “think” in their email writing. There’s even a Google Chrome plugin called “Just Not Sorry” that will alert you to all the times you use these minimizing words or phrases. Society has defaulted to interpreting this language as weak, making us appear as less effective leaders.
The catch-22 of it all is that the societal onus to change and adapt is always placed on us. On one hand, women have been historically socialized to feel bad and apologize for taking up as little space as possible both on and offline. On the other hand, when we are direct and default to more “masculine” forms of communication, we are pulled aside for being too harsh and aggressive.
According to this 2019 study, women in workplaces across North America are not being told to stop writing their emails ‘like a girl’, but rather, to make their emails girlier. Sadly, this is not because we’re moving away from the conflation of masculine and professional, but more so that when women try to assume a more masculine communication style they are viewed as cold and…dun dun dun…unlikeable.
We’re taking a step back to reflect on how important it is to be intentional with how we communicate with our clients and stakeholders. So here are a few ways we’re shifting the way we write emails:
1) Knowing our audience
Who are we communicating with? Is this a client we have an existing relationship with? A new stakeholder? Are we communicating with a community representative or academic institution? While our tone may slightly shift depending on who we’re speaking to, we always make it a priority to center honesty and clear language about deadlines, commitments, and expectations around the work we’re doing.
2) Not being afraid to express joy
I know we’re not the only ones who feel over-the-moon-excited when a client emails a smiley face for the first time. So yes, I will use my exclamation points to communicate enthusiasm when I’m excited about something! Certain words, phrases, and emojis can invite folks into a feeling of inclusiveness and community. We shouldn’t hold back on ways to communicate that promote our wellbeing, feeling of belonging, and flourishing.
3) Holding space for feedback and accountability
I never realized that saying “I think” or “Does that make sense?” was considered feminized language. When I say these phrases, it’s because I’m acknowledging that there are multiple ways to interpret things, and that I’m open to feedback on x y z. An integral part of feminist communications is the oppeness to collaboration and learning. We ask questions to encourage folks to also check in and ask for support when they need it.
Our language shapes us. How we communicate with each other and our clients is integral to our work culture. How can we be authentic by honouring our unique selves as we’re drafting updates, sending deliverables, or calendar invites to those we work with?
Yes, men would receive less backlash if they asked questions or appeared more accomodating in their email writing. The binary culture of gendering emails and digital communications (and therefore assigning value based on how we write) is a clear example of patriarchy at work. We should all strive toward using language that is inclusive, accessible, and encourages the ethics of care. And that’s something to be excited about! ;)